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Monthly Archives: April 2012

Of Limbos and Moving Forward

Hello My Lovelies,

Thank y’ll yet again for waiting for me to write.This treacherous web of writer’s block is a massive pain.I am majorly uninspired.And to top it off I am actually stuck in a Limbo,alright,that’s an exaggeration but am stuck in an enormously annoying frustrated state of sorts.Ergo,I decided I shall bare my mind and soul,and cleanse my system.

So here it goes…

It has been almost eight months that my Mom left me,and every day seems incomplete without her,without her voice,without her caress,without her hugs,without her love,and I need her for all these reasons and just ’cause.

It isn’t as if I haven’t lost it,I have endured the pain as well made others suffer in the course of my pain.Yet,no day seems different from the other.It is as if the purpose of each day failed,as if the day was not fully lived.

I wrote and crossed off plenty a things on my supposed Bucket List,and still it did not seem enough.My family and friends pacified to their maximum potential and more,and not that I do not appreciate it,and not that they have given up on me,I just can’t seem to take the step forward.

And after that it seemed as if the world came crashing down and quashed my soul.Well,at least it burdened me,and left me no choice but to shoulder responsibilities that I never dreamed I would have to carry the burden of.

Her passing on was the first domino and rest simply started falling after that,for all those who know me personally,they know what I am talking about,for all those who don’t,a series of bad phase followed,let’s leave it at that.

Every one told me that I am strong and shall become stronger after THIS,let’s just say,pain does not equate strength.

After many unfavorable months,I sat down one day,and talked to myself at length.Told myself how Board exams used to be the biggest threat to our lives,the exams passed and it seems like an insignificant instance of the past,how getting over boy friends used to consume years,bucketful of tears and kilograms of chocolates,but we learnt how to deal with the pain,how friends betraying you seemed the most hurtful thing to have happened to us,but we learnt to make friends sensibly,didn’t we?How family troubles tore up our guts,but we learnt to accept them and the circumstances,didn’t we?”Sweetheart!you are the brink of your career,and your life has just begun,I agree it is easier said than done,and you cannot move past your Mom,EVER,you can learn to accept,can’t you?”-I told myself.And truth be told I have such self-help pacifying conversations with myself quite often,because it is not easy,not at all.

Still…

Each day,seems like an opportunity to take another baby step.And well,not every day do I religiously do it,but I try.

I admit,I am still caught in my limbo of chaos and pain,but aren’t we all?We all have our predicaments that we have in life we want to get rid of,erase them as if they never occurred and we were never scarred by them,AT ALL.As if all that we have lived hitherto is a fairy tale and that is how life should proceed hereon as well.Paradise was only for Adam and Eve,and if you haven’t noticed,fairy tales usually involve predicaments which are overcome for ‘happily ever afters’ to persist.

So,that leaves me wound up in my own self-help/pacifying/glass-half full limbo.(Oh!the complexities my retarded brain entangles itself into!?!).Every post since,has been about moving on,but moving on from what?What I have been trying to do,is make excuses for myself,to time take over and eventually aid me in incorporating this morbid fact of life I have been evading,I want to move on I say,leave my Mom and her memories behind and carry on with my life as if nothing ever happened.Well,I’m wrong,I ought to move forward,with the burden of incorporating this fact in my life.Yes!she always has been and always will an integral part of me,this particular incident leaving me with the BIGGEST lesson of my life I have learnt yet,but life does go on,and I lag behind miles from where I should be,miles from where she wants to see me.

And for all of you,who are evading life’s predicament,shunning them out of your brains as if they did not exist in the first place,take the first step,ACCEPT your life isn’t all hunky-dory,once you accept it,the rest becomes relatively easier to endure.

This past year has changed me,something I cannot bind in words,and each day is struggle,each day is incomplete…but going back is neither an option nor a possibility,thus it only seems sensible to acquire the skills to pick myself up.

So,do you intend to do it as well?

What you ask?

Accept yourself as you are.

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The Walls We Build

Recently on my way back home from college my friend and I had an enlightening tete-a-tete.Enlightening for me to be precise.Because Her and I have been friends for almost 8 months now,and I usually let my guard down once I befriend people,but      after the conversation she commented,”I never thought you would be such an emotionally enlightening person,I always took you as an incessant shopper whose life revolved around malls,parties and socializing.I always thought you were the bully and not the bullied”(and basically deriving an assumption that I am a shallow b*tch).

That got me thinking…(its bound to)…and I am unabashedly sharing this incident with you is BECAUSE:

I have felt the pain of a heart break.And NO,it is NOT just a beau who can break your heart.For the kid who waited and peeped from behind the curtains of the stage to see if her/his parents have arrived,only to be dismayed to have noticed the seats vacant the entire time of the recital.Or the sibling who refused to solve your problem and bullied you,or the BFF who promised she/he would be there in your times of need and did not.I might be missing out a whole bunch of instances but you get the gist.Hearts are broken when expectations are not met,as simple as that.And please don’t illusion yourself that yours never did.(If it really NEVER happened,you really NEVER experienced life!)

Truth be told,mine has been broken on various occasions by a host of people.But let’s not get into the details of that.

My point is,which passing heart break,we toughen up.With each passing heart break,we build a level of wall,ordaining our Heart to

1.toughen up,

2.not cut slack easily,

3.if done,be wary,and

4.DO NOT let its guard down easy.

With each heart break,the invisible level increases and we,our true selves are guarded by these hypothetical walls,gradually which start to govern our lives.And then make-belief,befooling others,unconsciously tricking others into believing and we ACTUALLY are that tough and that our system is completely cleansed of vulnerability.Hardly recognizing the brutal fact that our true selves are lost behind these ‘tough’,’unbreakable’ walls.

With all this accumulated pain,we refuse to give our Heart away,we refuse to feel love,because it comes a pricey cost of pain.We refuse to acknowledge what could have been a meaningful relationship just because we could not put our guard down,we did not want to be hurt again.We did not want to risk it again…

And I won’t lie,I am always on guard,these walls have penetrated so deep within my system that most of the times I prefer to let go than hold onto the people who truly matter.Why risk it?Is it worth it?

Frankly,sometimes it wouldn’t be worth the risk.But are we willing to let Pain get the best of us?Should be start assuming that there is ONLY pain,and NO love?

Yes,chances are our Hearts will be broken,expectations shattered,OFTEN,that does not mean we will not experience  kindness,generosity,selflessness and Love.

We cannot let our Heart be spiraled into a trance of hopelessness.

It is easier said than done,I agree,but isn’t Love worth the risk?

 

To me,Love is everything.And totally worth it all.

 

Of Hiatuses and Writer’s Block…

It has been more than two months I sat down to write ANYTHING,and no,I do not include penning down a post and updating my blog,but ANYTHING,no scribbled thought,no unfinished poem,NADA.Under normal circumstances I would simply call it writer’s block,but truth be told,I haven’t felt inspired,for quite some time now.And this hiatus was supposed to aim at introspection and solving um…Life’s problems.Alas!all I could gather was the lesson,that Life is NOT a problem and we don’t actually need solutions to solve the puzzles,however,I also learnt that it is an experience.Each hurdle we stumble upon is a Lesson,and these lessons aid us in leading a happier life.

I know,I know,I can babble on forever about my interpretations of Life and its ‘baffling’ ways.These past few have been quite hectic,yet extremely unproductive,the only highlight worth mentioning is the David Guetta gig that took place in March in Delhi.Yes!music gives me a high.=D.Since high school I have religiously lived by Rock music and its sub-genres,but gradually my taste in music expanded to all sorts of genres including Sufi and Gazals. And if it is anything,that can get me through what I like to call my ‘blah’ phases,it is music,and the gig was just monumental and Guetta is musical prodigy,and THAT is an understatement,if you have ever attended any of his gigs. Andeven though I was there for less than an hour,it just somehow made up for my lack of social activity(or so I justify to myself and my friends).

It is somehow weird that I usually tend to derive my inspiration to write from the quirkiest of sources,actually its not,but,lately,I just don’t feel inspired AT ALL.The ‘blah’ phase I assume.Ergo,I decided to try some new things,hopefully soon,I shall be back with something productive to share with you all.

Till then,

Have a merry one.=)

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