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The Coin Called Happiness

Yello to all my lovelies,

Seasons Greetings to all. While everyone else is either working,prepping for an upcoming wedding or simply enjoying the onset of winter,I am stuck with my books for the coming Semester exams. :/. And I just can’t get myself to doing it. The weather discourages me from studying. He wants me to stay cooped up in a blanket and only get out for  a cup of jo. 😛

Anyhow,so this time around I have a tonne of questions that need answering, not just for me you don’t, you also need to answer them for yourself.

So, essentially what is happiness? How do you define it? What criteria or how do I measure happiness?

Every time I stand waiting at a crossing and a child comes begging or an anorexic man comes and stand in front of the car begging me to purchase a book or a  charger,whatever he is selling that day, I say “Thank God” I wasn’t born impoverished. But of late I have started to wonder, if he is happy still? If he is content with what he has and gets a good night sleep after the laborious day that he has had?

Truth be told, after my Mother passed on, happiness is just a temporary state which extinguishes soon after the joke is over. With her, a part of my heart, a part of the child in me, a part of my happiness died.

So I end up comparing myself to him, considering I was born in a home where money was not as big an issue as it is for them.

These days around,every one I meet including myself are very money-centric. Retail therapy ring a bell? We find spending money therapeutic or so we tell ourselves. But in the last two years I have not found solace in my greed. I have truly cherished all the tangible gifts and blessings I have been showered with, but that does not define my happiness.

Then I wonder, there are those who have all the riches in the world but they endure and are not satisfied. It is sadness that drives them to exist and not happiness.

My father used to tell me a story when I was a child, that the richest man in the world could not eat well, sleep well, live well, merely out of the fear that someone shall try and kill him. He could not like the pauper in his kingdom sleep in peace under the tree. He was not free. His supposed wealth had tied him down and his freedom.

I even hear relationships are measured by the tablespoon of money.

But if money is such an essential component of happiness, why aren’t the people with fat bank balances as happy as their balances?

These days I think that man I pity is probably happier than I am. Albeit, money is important, it is not the sole, not even the primary component of happiness.

Ah! but this post was supposed to be about questions and not conclusions, so here it goes…

What is happiness?

Does having more money mean more happiness?

Isn’t the consumerist tendency driving us to a stage of slavery, ultimately destroying our happiness altogether?

Are we happy with what we have?

Would having more make us happier?

Are relationships not based on quid pro quo?

I thought love conquers all. But like it is said “PAISA PRADHAAN HAI” (Money is the Boss).

Let me know what you think.

 

 

What If…

…You could never fail,what would you do?

When I saw this picture on one of my Facebook Pages,a gush of joy ran through my veins.I was jolted out of my perpetual pessimism.Was this even possible?

And with that question,the inevitable serpent of DOUBT coiled around me.

I am a fitness addict,if you’ve known me personally,I have struggled with weight loss and prefer healthier foods and a strict workout regime over lethargy,and with that ONE goal in mind I never look back,because giving up was never an option for me.

So,why not for goals in life?The tiny ones,the big ones,the ones that scare me the most,the ones which seem to only exist my cloud bubbles of dreams.If there was NO option to lose in those,IF I did not give myself an option to secede could I win it,achieve all my unattainable goals?

Maybe I can.Will you strive for yours?

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Of Limbos and Moving Forward

Hello My Lovelies,

Thank y’ll yet again for waiting for me to write.This treacherous web of writer’s block is a massive pain.I am majorly uninspired.And to top it off I am actually stuck in a Limbo,alright,that’s an exaggeration but am stuck in an enormously annoying frustrated state of sorts.Ergo,I decided I shall bare my mind and soul,and cleanse my system.

So here it goes…

It has been almost eight months that my Mom left me,and every day seems incomplete without her,without her voice,without her caress,without her hugs,without her love,and I need her for all these reasons and just ’cause.

It isn’t as if I haven’t lost it,I have endured the pain as well made others suffer in the course of my pain.Yet,no day seems different from the other.It is as if the purpose of each day failed,as if the day was not fully lived.

I wrote and crossed off plenty a things on my supposed Bucket List,and still it did not seem enough.My family and friends pacified to their maximum potential and more,and not that I do not appreciate it,and not that they have given up on me,I just can’t seem to take the step forward.

And after that it seemed as if the world came crashing down and quashed my soul.Well,at least it burdened me,and left me no choice but to shoulder responsibilities that I never dreamed I would have to carry the burden of.

Her passing on was the first domino and rest simply started falling after that,for all those who know me personally,they know what I am talking about,for all those who don’t,a series of bad phase followed,let’s leave it at that.

Every one told me that I am strong and shall become stronger after THIS,let’s just say,pain does not equate strength.

After many unfavorable months,I sat down one day,and talked to myself at length.Told myself how Board exams used to be the biggest threat to our lives,the exams passed and it seems like an insignificant instance of the past,how getting over boy friends used to consume years,bucketful of tears and kilograms of chocolates,but we learnt how to deal with the pain,how friends betraying you seemed the most hurtful thing to have happened to us,but we learnt to make friends sensibly,didn’t we?How family troubles tore up our guts,but we learnt to accept them and the circumstances,didn’t we?”Sweetheart!you are the brink of your career,and your life has just begun,I agree it is easier said than done,and you cannot move past your Mom,EVER,you can learn to accept,can’t you?”-I told myself.And truth be told I have such self-help pacifying conversations with myself quite often,because it is not easy,not at all.

Still…

Each day,seems like an opportunity to take another baby step.And well,not every day do I religiously do it,but I try.

I admit,I am still caught in my limbo of chaos and pain,but aren’t we all?We all have our predicaments that we have in life we want to get rid of,erase them as if they never occurred and we were never scarred by them,AT ALL.As if all that we have lived hitherto is a fairy tale and that is how life should proceed hereon as well.Paradise was only for Adam and Eve,and if you haven’t noticed,fairy tales usually involve predicaments which are overcome for ‘happily ever afters’ to persist.

So,that leaves me wound up in my own self-help/pacifying/glass-half full limbo.(Oh!the complexities my retarded brain entangles itself into!?!).Every post since,has been about moving on,but moving on from what?What I have been trying to do,is make excuses for myself,to time take over and eventually aid me in incorporating this morbid fact of life I have been evading,I want to move on I say,leave my Mom and her memories behind and carry on with my life as if nothing ever happened.Well,I’m wrong,I ought to move forward,with the burden of incorporating this fact in my life.Yes!she always has been and always will an integral part of me,this particular incident leaving me with the BIGGEST lesson of my life I have learnt yet,but life does go on,and I lag behind miles from where I should be,miles from where she wants to see me.

And for all of you,who are evading life’s predicament,shunning them out of your brains as if they did not exist in the first place,take the first step,ACCEPT your life isn’t all hunky-dory,once you accept it,the rest becomes relatively easier to endure.

This past year has changed me,something I cannot bind in words,and each day is struggle,each day is incomplete…but going back is neither an option nor a possibility,thus it only seems sensible to acquire the skills to pick myself up.

So,do you intend to do it as well?

What you ask?

Accept yourself as you are.

The Walls We Build

Recently on my way back home from college my friend and I had an enlightening tete-a-tete.Enlightening for me to be precise.Because Her and I have been friends for almost 8 months now,and I usually let my guard down once I befriend people,but      after the conversation she commented,”I never thought you would be such an emotionally enlightening person,I always took you as an incessant shopper whose life revolved around malls,parties and socializing.I always thought you were the bully and not the bullied”(and basically deriving an assumption that I am a shallow b*tch).

That got me thinking…(its bound to)…and I am unabashedly sharing this incident with you is BECAUSE:

I have felt the pain of a heart break.And NO,it is NOT just a beau who can break your heart.For the kid who waited and peeped from behind the curtains of the stage to see if her/his parents have arrived,only to be dismayed to have noticed the seats vacant the entire time of the recital.Or the sibling who refused to solve your problem and bullied you,or the BFF who promised she/he would be there in your times of need and did not.I might be missing out a whole bunch of instances but you get the gist.Hearts are broken when expectations are not met,as simple as that.And please don’t illusion yourself that yours never did.(If it really NEVER happened,you really NEVER experienced life!)

Truth be told,mine has been broken on various occasions by a host of people.But let’s not get into the details of that.

My point is,which passing heart break,we toughen up.With each passing heart break,we build a level of wall,ordaining our Heart to

1.toughen up,

2.not cut slack easily,

3.if done,be wary,and

4.DO NOT let its guard down easy.

With each heart break,the invisible level increases and we,our true selves are guarded by these hypothetical walls,gradually which start to govern our lives.And then make-belief,befooling others,unconsciously tricking others into believing and we ACTUALLY are that tough and that our system is completely cleansed of vulnerability.Hardly recognizing the brutal fact that our true selves are lost behind these ‘tough’,’unbreakable’ walls.

With all this accumulated pain,we refuse to give our Heart away,we refuse to feel love,because it comes a pricey cost of pain.We refuse to acknowledge what could have been a meaningful relationship just because we could not put our guard down,we did not want to be hurt again.We did not want to risk it again…

And I won’t lie,I am always on guard,these walls have penetrated so deep within my system that most of the times I prefer to let go than hold onto the people who truly matter.Why risk it?Is it worth it?

Frankly,sometimes it wouldn’t be worth the risk.But are we willing to let Pain get the best of us?Should be start assuming that there is ONLY pain,and NO love?

Yes,chances are our Hearts will be broken,expectations shattered,OFTEN,that does not mean we will not experience  kindness,generosity,selflessness and Love.

We cannot let our Heart be spiraled into a trance of hopelessness.

It is easier said than done,I agree,but isn’t Love worth the risk?

 

To me,Love is everything.And totally worth it all.

 

You Are Immortal

I’m a pathetically lazy writer,I never recheck my posts for grammatical errors,however I make it a point to not over-do it with emotions.This one however is straight from the heart.

In these twenty two years of my life span,I have seen my parents grow,I have seen them witness set backs and rise from the ashes,victorious.They have always inspired me to be a better person,to grow up to be a person just like them.Since my childhood days,I have always envied my gorgeous mother,no,I am not saying this,because she is MY mother,she is by far one of the prettiest woman I know,getting back to the point,I have seen her wake up at 5 in the morning to tend to the House chores,get me ready for school,take care of my older siblings,prepare breakfast and lunch,drop me off at the bus stop,come back home,get ready for work and in order to save that last penny instead of taking the car,hop on the public bus.Then come back in the evening,prepare dinner,help me with Home Work,sit and chat my siblings,spend some quality time with my Father,serve dinner,and then finally fall asleep.I have seen her repeating the said pattern for years with just one day off,and that too dedicated to all of us.

There have been days,when I have envied her for the independent woman that she was,for the undying spirit to live to life to the fullest,and there have also been days when I have loathed her for not wholly being there for me.

And then Boarding School happened,and I got to see my Mumma on even lesser occasions.

It was probably then or before that that our relationship started to deteriorate.When I needed her I assumed she deliberately was not there.When I cried under the pillow craving her gentle caress reinstating that feeling of emotional security I was deprived of in the lonesome dormitory,she was not there.

Eventually,I got a hang of things,and I enjoyed being by myself and my friends.And those occasional visits were more than enough of quality time I needed with her.Vacations at home meant spending time with my siblings and hanging out with them or their respective boyfriend/girlfriend.Spending time with Mumma and Papa would only compromise of the last few sulking days when I was over-showered with pampering.

And then,I came back for College.Like any other kid,being 18 meant chilling with friends,carpe diem and partying.With so much as caring,if my Mumma finally has time to breath and spend time with me.That obviously took a back seat,if it is not already obvious.

And then after College,the Gap-before-Law School happened,when in these twenty two years of my short life I started bonding with my mother.When she started connecting with me like a grown woman.It is in my twenty first year did I finally fall in love with her,and realized I needed her,I craved her love.It is then I realized that all this time,I had been acting selfish.

She sacrificed her life to give me a good one,and now when she finally had that time,I was not there.

She opened her heart to me in this one year,she let me to her World of sorrows and sufferings.All this time,when I had thought SHE was the one acting SELFISH,I found out,she was just trying to protect me out of her SELFLESS love for me.

And when I finally realized that life without her is an impossibility,God decided to take her away from me,from my life.

Yes,for all my friends who do not know,I did not have the courage to say it out loud,I still don’t.She passed away two weeks ago,on August 8,2011.

I was there with her when her soul left her body,and yes,I do believe in reincarnation and I KNOW that she will come back in my life in some other form,but the fact remains that my mother is gone.Forever.

I do not have anyone to save me from the rain anymore,I do not have anyone to look out for me,without me even noticing.I have lost my foundation for my strength.I do not have my Mumma anymore.

They say,she is still here,looking out for me,but I don’t want her spirit,I need her wholly,in physical form,to be there for me,to see in my happiest moments,to lend me a shoulder in my sad ones.To see me get married one day and then play with her grandchildren eventually.I need her to explain to me about this baffling concept of SELFLESS LOVE.I need her to be there,for no reason at all.

They say,I am strong.I need to move on with life.But what sort of life would that be,one without the Sun,the Air,the Shelter?How do they expect me to move on from the bundle of regrets I live with?How do they suddenly expect me to grow up,mature and take responsibilities my shoulders are incapable of handling?How do they expect me to live without my Mumma?

I have so much to say,however,I shall continue this tomorrow,tears are too mean to let me continue this,right now,here,I just to begin by saying,that My Mumma is immortal,she is in my heart,and my soul,and she can never be forgotten.And even though I could give away all of my life for just one minute with her,where I could tell her I love her,and that she means the world to me,the lesson I learnt was such,that do not give heed to egos and consequences,if you have something in your heart,just say it,trust me,leading a life with regret is not one of the happiest ones.

I love My Mumma,I hope she knows this,I do sincerely hope,she has left her unceasing courage in me.

You are with me,you are in me,forever and beyond.

I love you Mumma.

I am sorry,I cannot love you unconditionally,like you loved me.I love you forever nonetheless.

 

 

“Please Don’t Pity Me”

Hello There,

Today’s post is based on the incident that took place last night.

The end result of my behavior at the said state of affairs left me completely abashed.And no I shall use no defenses to excuse myself from taking the blame for the deed done.

What happened you ask?

On my way back from a ritzy Delhi Market,there were cardinal red lights,and like my luck always works,I had to halt at almost all such intervals.For all my precious Delhi folk know about this,I hope,and for those who don’t,halting at a Crossing implies not merely waiting for the annoying Red Light to switch to Green,but also destitute children importuning the slightest act of generosity they can be bequeathed with.Yesterday,instead of the incessant begging this particular kid with an amputated arm was selling Gajra (a.k.a.flower garland).No one paid heed to the poor chap,so out of ‘sympathy’ I decided to give him a Rs.10 note.As I handed him the note,he immediately took out one strand of Gajra from the stack in order to hand it over to me,which I blatantly refused (please know I have extremely short hair and Gajra-s are usually meant for the hair!).The kid-with-the-amputated-arm did not appreciate my ‘gesture’.Admonishing me politely he said,“Ma’am!I don’t want your pity,I want a hard day’s pay.I might not have one arm,but I most definitely have the Will Power as its replacement.”

The half an hour long drive back home,was probably the longest I have ever traversed.It made me ponder as to why we ‘pity’?Probably because an amputated arm/leg is a cue to our superiority?We ‘pity’ people because it makes us stand at a better stance than them.We as human beings in order to feel good about ourselves confuse pity with generosity.We tend to ‘pity’ people below our own financial standing,we ‘the taller’,’the thinner’,’the fairer’ folk tend to ‘pity’ the ones who do not possess these physical attributes of ‘beauty.’

The lesson I derived from the hour-long introspection yesterday was the one of Acceptance.We need to start accepting these so-called man-made ‘flaws’.We as human beings are all flawed,physically and/or mentally.No body is perfect.The least we can do is give every one a chance to prove their mettle,and if people are in genuine need of alms,then do it out of love and not pity.Do it for the sake of ’empathy’ and not ‘sympathy’.

So,I shall end the post here.

Do,pardon the stream-of-consciousness write-up,I ought not to pen a post with The Blackberry by my side.The incessant BBMs really do spoil the chain of thought.=/

Please do give this one a thought.

Till the next time,

This is N signing out.

…Till We Stop Trying…

Hello My Lovelies,

Been long eh?Are you still mad at me?Well you ought to be.I had been out of the circuit for quite a long duration.Haven’t I?Will examinations suffice a good excuse?No!you say?Hhmm,in that case,the burden and pressure of results?No to that as well?Well,ill health?Are you melting?Well,I really have not been keeping too well.’Photodermititis’,in humanly terms it is the inflammation of skin due to excessive exposure to the sun.Excessive not so much in my case,exposure yes.And for three weeks,my skin burnt like that of a vampire’s.So,please excuse me?I do solemnly pledge to be more regular.Now that the exam shenanigan is done with,I am absolutely free.Here for you all,24*7.=).

Well,the past two months have been quite trying.The burden of the books and my pea-sized brain are not exactly the perfect match.The torment my poor brain underwent this past two months is unexplainable in words.Because my brain is literally incapable of remembering any word (since it is already overloaded with excessive information).I know,I can go on and on with my rants.Anyhow,getting back to the point,even though these past two months have been quite burdensome,the valuable lesson that is taught was this that:“defeat does not occur,till we succumb to defeat itself”.It is only when we stop pushing ourselves that extra mile that we lose.It is not the moment when we lose,but the moment we stop trying,is where we lose the actual battle in life.

So,even though,for the past two months,you must have noticed me cribbing and ranting(yes!you have been quite supportive,much grateful!),I did not cease the effort.

So,as the day before the dreaded result shall be declared,I just wanted to take out time,and leave a Mantra for all my readers.One that is bound to procure success.

Please pray for me?And that I score well?

Till the next time(quite soon to be precise).

This is N signing out.

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