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The Coin Called Happiness

Yello to all my lovelies,

Seasons Greetings to all. While everyone else is either working,prepping for an upcoming wedding or simply enjoying the onset of winter,I am stuck with my books for the coming Semester exams. :/. And I just can’t get myself to doing it. The weather discourages me from studying. He wants me to stay cooped up in a blanket and only get out for  a cup of jo. 😛

Anyhow,so this time around I have a tonne of questions that need answering, not just for me you don’t, you also need to answer them for yourself.

So, essentially what is happiness? How do you define it? What criteria or how do I measure happiness?

Every time I stand waiting at a crossing and a child comes begging or an anorexic man comes and stand in front of the car begging me to purchase a book or a  charger,whatever he is selling that day, I say “Thank God” I wasn’t born impoverished. But of late I have started to wonder, if he is happy still? If he is content with what he has and gets a good night sleep after the laborious day that he has had?

Truth be told, after my Mother passed on, happiness is just a temporary state which extinguishes soon after the joke is over. With her, a part of my heart, a part of the child in me, a part of my happiness died.

So I end up comparing myself to him, considering I was born in a home where money was not as big an issue as it is for them.

These days around,every one I meet including myself are very money-centric. Retail therapy ring a bell? We find spending money therapeutic or so we tell ourselves. But in the last two years I have not found solace in my greed. I have truly cherished all the tangible gifts and blessings I have been showered with, but that does not define my happiness.

Then I wonder, there are those who have all the riches in the world but they endure and are not satisfied. It is sadness that drives them to exist and not happiness.

My father used to tell me a story when I was a child, that the richest man in the world could not eat well, sleep well, live well, merely out of the fear that someone shall try and kill him. He could not like the pauper in his kingdom sleep in peace under the tree. He was not free. His supposed wealth had tied him down and his freedom.

I even hear relationships are measured by the tablespoon of money.

But if money is such an essential component of happiness, why aren’t the people with fat bank balances as happy as their balances?

These days I think that man I pity is probably happier than I am. Albeit, money is important, it is not the sole, not even the primary component of happiness.

Ah! but this post was supposed to be about questions and not conclusions, so here it goes…

What is happiness?

Does having more money mean more happiness?

Isn’t the consumerist tendency driving us to a stage of slavery, ultimately destroying our happiness altogether?

Are we happy with what we have?

Would having more make us happier?

Are relationships not based on quid pro quo?

I thought love conquers all. But like it is said “PAISA PRADHAAN HAI” (Money is the Boss).

Let me know what you think.

 

 

The Birthday Post…

…that came 18 days after the Birthday.

First of all,I would like to wish myself a Belated Happy Birthday on your behalf(you were going to wish me?).Well,if you are family or friend or acquaintance (via Facebook or other social networking site),you would know,that after seven years I spent my birthday away from my beloved Dilli.Phew,it scares the ba-jesus out of my to have conversations and recollect memories in decades now.The perks of growing old,eh?

Well,this isn’t what the post is about,ranting about the curses of growing old.Although,if its about growing old,let us compare ourselves to Wine And Scotch,now shall we? 😀

Keeping the trauma of growing ‘old’ aside,I always have and always shall be super-kicked about the biggest day of my life(and no impending wedding won’t match up to this day).Why,you ask?Well,THIS is the day I was privileged into this World,into my family with a warm welcome.There were dreams built around me even before I came into existence,this is the first time my parents held me,they blessed me,hugged me and kissed me.This was the first day of my adventure called life.So,I shall ALWAYS be super-kicked about my birthday.And the guilt-free indulgence and the gifts are just the perks (if you are friend/family:No,they are NOT,I better get a present and some cupcakes.Its the silent rule of Birthday, :D)

I know life throws innumerable hurdles in our path,almost every day,and there are days we curse,”why the hell was I put on this planet?” yada yada yada,and I do it more than often(leaning towards the pessimistic side perpetually).But,on this day I am always grateful,to God,to my parents,to my friends,to myself,to have survived so long,to have been priveleged with all the luxuries that I conveniently take for granted,to all the days I idly waste,to all the people who decided to stay in my life and stick by through thick and thin,and mostly to myself(it is MY birthday after all,now ain’t it): for having made it through another year.

The point of all this is not to bring to your scrutiny my quasi-narcissistic tendencies,it is to explain that it is essential that we learn to celebrate ourselves,appreciate ourselves and most importantly value ourselves.Over the years we start to take ourselves for granted and we forget the we possess the potential to obtain our wildest dreams,but we reluctantly succumb to the mundane and accept ourselves as ordinary,and gradually that is what we let ourselves become.

The point of this post is to believe in those dreams you dreamt when once you were a child,when you truly believed you could conquer the world.As we grow older,as we mature,we let forget to celebrate ourselves,to treat ourselves,to believe in ourselves,and that is precisely why I have decided that albeit I might succumb to the brutalities of life 364 days in a year,on July 12 every year I shall celebrate me and all the insanity that comes along with it.I buy myself a cake and a present and a bottle of fine Wine(well Vodka is my poison) and herald the year like it is going to be my last (or till the clock strikes 12).

Are you going to do the same?

I hope you do,

Cheers

 

Of Limbos and Moving Forward

Hello My Lovelies,

Thank y’ll yet again for waiting for me to write.This treacherous web of writer’s block is a massive pain.I am majorly uninspired.And to top it off I am actually stuck in a Limbo,alright,that’s an exaggeration but am stuck in an enormously annoying frustrated state of sorts.Ergo,I decided I shall bare my mind and soul,and cleanse my system.

So here it goes…

It has been almost eight months that my Mom left me,and every day seems incomplete without her,without her voice,without her caress,without her hugs,without her love,and I need her for all these reasons and just ’cause.

It isn’t as if I haven’t lost it,I have endured the pain as well made others suffer in the course of my pain.Yet,no day seems different from the other.It is as if the purpose of each day failed,as if the day was not fully lived.

I wrote and crossed off plenty a things on my supposed Bucket List,and still it did not seem enough.My family and friends pacified to their maximum potential and more,and not that I do not appreciate it,and not that they have given up on me,I just can’t seem to take the step forward.

And after that it seemed as if the world came crashing down and quashed my soul.Well,at least it burdened me,and left me no choice but to shoulder responsibilities that I never dreamed I would have to carry the burden of.

Her passing on was the first domino and rest simply started falling after that,for all those who know me personally,they know what I am talking about,for all those who don’t,a series of bad phase followed,let’s leave it at that.

Every one told me that I am strong and shall become stronger after THIS,let’s just say,pain does not equate strength.

After many unfavorable months,I sat down one day,and talked to myself at length.Told myself how Board exams used to be the biggest threat to our lives,the exams passed and it seems like an insignificant instance of the past,how getting over boy friends used to consume years,bucketful of tears and kilograms of chocolates,but we learnt how to deal with the pain,how friends betraying you seemed the most hurtful thing to have happened to us,but we learnt to make friends sensibly,didn’t we?How family troubles tore up our guts,but we learnt to accept them and the circumstances,didn’t we?”Sweetheart!you are the brink of your career,and your life has just begun,I agree it is easier said than done,and you cannot move past your Mom,EVER,you can learn to accept,can’t you?”-I told myself.And truth be told I have such self-help pacifying conversations with myself quite often,because it is not easy,not at all.

Still…

Each day,seems like an opportunity to take another baby step.And well,not every day do I religiously do it,but I try.

I admit,I am still caught in my limbo of chaos and pain,but aren’t we all?We all have our predicaments that we have in life we want to get rid of,erase them as if they never occurred and we were never scarred by them,AT ALL.As if all that we have lived hitherto is a fairy tale and that is how life should proceed hereon as well.Paradise was only for Adam and Eve,and if you haven’t noticed,fairy tales usually involve predicaments which are overcome for ‘happily ever afters’ to persist.

So,that leaves me wound up in my own self-help/pacifying/glass-half full limbo.(Oh!the complexities my retarded brain entangles itself into!?!).Every post since,has been about moving on,but moving on from what?What I have been trying to do,is make excuses for myself,to time take over and eventually aid me in incorporating this morbid fact of life I have been evading,I want to move on I say,leave my Mom and her memories behind and carry on with my life as if nothing ever happened.Well,I’m wrong,I ought to move forward,with the burden of incorporating this fact in my life.Yes!she always has been and always will an integral part of me,this particular incident leaving me with the BIGGEST lesson of my life I have learnt yet,but life does go on,and I lag behind miles from where I should be,miles from where she wants to see me.

And for all of you,who are evading life’s predicament,shunning them out of your brains as if they did not exist in the first place,take the first step,ACCEPT your life isn’t all hunky-dory,once you accept it,the rest becomes relatively easier to endure.

This past year has changed me,something I cannot bind in words,and each day is struggle,each day is incomplete…but going back is neither an option nor a possibility,thus it only seems sensible to acquire the skills to pick myself up.

So,do you intend to do it as well?

What you ask?

Accept yourself as you are.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

Even before I attempt to begin,I must sincerely apologize for the sluggish attempts of updating my blog.It can duly be blamed on the ill-health.*PINKY SWEAR*,no lying.

I hope you stick around though.(Pretty please?)

The onset of the month of February signals the much awaited Valentine’s Day,and all I can see around is some precious l-u-h-v-i-n-g(Yes!that’s how I pronounce it).Ooh!its the most amazing time of the year,for the lovely couples,it is a day of celebrating,not just WITH each other,but celebrating EACH OTHER,and their presence in each others’ lives,for all the lovely Singles’ it is all about acknowledging themselves and hoping to meet the ONE.

I am an over the top corny,mushy,chick-lit/flick digger love junkie(Ask my friends,they shall vouch for the fact.=D).Ergo,Valentine’s is no less than a Diwali or a Christmas for me.Call me crazy but I firmly believe that LOVE makes our world go round.We might have all we ‘want’,but it is that one thing we truly ‘need’.It is that magical place where everything seems like a possibility.It is what makes you feel valued,that there is someone out there,looking out for you.

Love engulfs all pain and suffering.It makes the world a better place.It creates Hope.It is the soul of humanity.

So,how can I not love LOVE?

Even though I did have an extravagant V-Day(because of ill-health),I am glad there is a day to celebrate Love.Show the people who matter that you care,that you appreciate their presence in your life.Just a hug,or a call or a message would suffice.Let nothing hold you back.Believe me,it is totally worth it.=D.

I shall end the haphazardly written post with a quote I read on a fellow blogger’s page:

“When love is not madness, it is not love.” – Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Have an absolutely loved year ahead.

XX

You Are Immortal

I’m a pathetically lazy writer,I never recheck my posts for grammatical errors,however I make it a point to not over-do it with emotions.This one however is straight from the heart.

In these twenty two years of my life span,I have seen my parents grow,I have seen them witness set backs and rise from the ashes,victorious.They have always inspired me to be a better person,to grow up to be a person just like them.Since my childhood days,I have always envied my gorgeous mother,no,I am not saying this,because she is MY mother,she is by far one of the prettiest woman I know,getting back to the point,I have seen her wake up at 5 in the morning to tend to the House chores,get me ready for school,take care of my older siblings,prepare breakfast and lunch,drop me off at the bus stop,come back home,get ready for work and in order to save that last penny instead of taking the car,hop on the public bus.Then come back in the evening,prepare dinner,help me with Home Work,sit and chat my siblings,spend some quality time with my Father,serve dinner,and then finally fall asleep.I have seen her repeating the said pattern for years with just one day off,and that too dedicated to all of us.

There have been days,when I have envied her for the independent woman that she was,for the undying spirit to live to life to the fullest,and there have also been days when I have loathed her for not wholly being there for me.

And then Boarding School happened,and I got to see my Mumma on even lesser occasions.

It was probably then or before that that our relationship started to deteriorate.When I needed her I assumed she deliberately was not there.When I cried under the pillow craving her gentle caress reinstating that feeling of emotional security I was deprived of in the lonesome dormitory,she was not there.

Eventually,I got a hang of things,and I enjoyed being by myself and my friends.And those occasional visits were more than enough of quality time I needed with her.Vacations at home meant spending time with my siblings and hanging out with them or their respective boyfriend/girlfriend.Spending time with Mumma and Papa would only compromise of the last few sulking days when I was over-showered with pampering.

And then,I came back for College.Like any other kid,being 18 meant chilling with friends,carpe diem and partying.With so much as caring,if my Mumma finally has time to breath and spend time with me.That obviously took a back seat,if it is not already obvious.

And then after College,the Gap-before-Law School happened,when in these twenty two years of my short life I started bonding with my mother.When she started connecting with me like a grown woman.It is in my twenty first year did I finally fall in love with her,and realized I needed her,I craved her love.It is then I realized that all this time,I had been acting selfish.

She sacrificed her life to give me a good one,and now when she finally had that time,I was not there.

She opened her heart to me in this one year,she let me to her World of sorrows and sufferings.All this time,when I had thought SHE was the one acting SELFISH,I found out,she was just trying to protect me out of her SELFLESS love for me.

And when I finally realized that life without her is an impossibility,God decided to take her away from me,from my life.

Yes,for all my friends who do not know,I did not have the courage to say it out loud,I still don’t.She passed away two weeks ago,on August 8,2011.

I was there with her when her soul left her body,and yes,I do believe in reincarnation and I KNOW that she will come back in my life in some other form,but the fact remains that my mother is gone.Forever.

I do not have anyone to save me from the rain anymore,I do not have anyone to look out for me,without me even noticing.I have lost my foundation for my strength.I do not have my Mumma anymore.

They say,she is still here,looking out for me,but I don’t want her spirit,I need her wholly,in physical form,to be there for me,to see in my happiest moments,to lend me a shoulder in my sad ones.To see me get married one day and then play with her grandchildren eventually.I need her to explain to me about this baffling concept of SELFLESS LOVE.I need her to be there,for no reason at all.

They say,I am strong.I need to move on with life.But what sort of life would that be,one without the Sun,the Air,the Shelter?How do they expect me to move on from the bundle of regrets I live with?How do they suddenly expect me to grow up,mature and take responsibilities my shoulders are incapable of handling?How do they expect me to live without my Mumma?

I have so much to say,however,I shall continue this tomorrow,tears are too mean to let me continue this,right now,here,I just to begin by saying,that My Mumma is immortal,she is in my heart,and my soul,and she can never be forgotten.And even though I could give away all of my life for just one minute with her,where I could tell her I love her,and that she means the world to me,the lesson I learnt was such,that do not give heed to egos and consequences,if you have something in your heart,just say it,trust me,leading a life with regret is not one of the happiest ones.

I love My Mumma,I hope she knows this,I do sincerely hope,she has left her unceasing courage in me.

You are with me,you are in me,forever and beyond.

I love you Mumma.

I am sorry,I cannot love you unconditionally,like you loved me.I love you forever nonetheless.

 

 

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