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I Want To See Boys Cry

Before the boys in the house start hurling shoes at me, I would sincerely request you to read the post, before you proceed. ūüėõ

Hello Ya’ll!

I promised all my lovelies that I shall be writing every Sunday evening, but me being me, I somehow managed to procrastinate and delay it till today. So do accept my most sincere apologies.

Yes! Now to expand on the title. First of all, I have been meaning to write on this topic for eons now. But somehow, I could  not condense the thoughts and give them the tangible form of words. But, I think after quite some deliberation, life events and plentiful reading, I figured that it all boils down to the fact that boys ought to cry more often.

*Saves self from the shoes hurled*

Fine! Fine! I shall explain why I want to see more tormented boys around!

Well, without taking any credit for originality I would like to attribute this post to the advertisement that featured Ms. Madhuri Dixit, which was the brainchild of Vogue India, that we do not teach our boys to be sensitive, that we disallow our boys to cry. We admonish them as ‘why are you crying like a girl’. Slap me, if you haven’t done or thought about this at the least once.

The sex, as I specified in one of my previous posts, defines the roles in our society. The girl has the ‘feminine’ role to play, while the boys tough it out. Since their childhood, we do not teach our boys to be more sensitive, we do not teach them to be more responsible towards their home, we most definitely do not teach them that ‘crying is not a bad thing’. Rather, crying as the advertisement goes is an attribute associated with femininity.These pre-defined roles obscure the unpainted canvass of these poor kids who fight their natural instincts to be more human, and become the pseudo-Macho Man that they pose to be.

Mind you, there is an image that goes with it. And mind you again, that image is alluring to MOST women (okay fine! It appeals to me as well!). And that image is the ‘Bad Boy’ image. These ‘Bad Boys’ as my understanding of them goes, are if objectified and dissected are clad in a white T-shirt, ¬†black leather jacket clad and ride their even more macho¬†bikes(in today’s world, let’s hand them a fancy car instead of a bike), black Ray Ban Wayfarers, walking around town like they care two hoots about the world. Now, COME ON! You fell for that, didn’t you. :P. Well, that’s besides the point. The point being, a bad boy is more appealing and alluring than a regular boy who is more human and understanding. So, believe it or not, we as a society are Frankestein creating these monsters of our own. But what we do not realize is that these monsters that we have created are not a work of fiction, rather unlike fiction, these monsters are¬†actual human beings, one¬†with flesh and bones and a suppressed heart lying somewhere between the ribs. These monsters that we have so conveniently created to fit into their pre-defined roles¬†are not humans who are now void of any emotion or sentiment, but simply those who were forced to mask any kind of sentiment or emotion except those of anger and rage, which bodes well with their ‘Macho Man’ and ‘Bad Boy’ image.For instance, it is manlier to come back home and demand a cup of chai or coffee from your wife rather than helping the tired female¬†in the kitchen. It is manlier to give ‘Maa Ki’ , ‘Behen Ki’ galiyaan (abuses derogating the mother and sister) than apologizing if you dent someone’s car. And yes, the majestic ‘I am always right’ attitude that boys walk around with. Don’t you think it’s manlier to behave in this fashion?¬†

I do not know about you, but to me, and frankly, I might be wrong when saying this, that this is just a method of masking their insecurities. It is just a cover up for the scared little child inside. Defense mechanism as they call it.

Well, if you and I are still ¬†on the same page, then you would agree that the damage is already done…and if the damage is done, what is the solution to restore or at the least ameliorate the situation?

At the cost of sounding extremely preach-y, I  would like to suggest here, why not sensitize the man in your life. Whoever this man maybe in your life: your father, your brother, your boy friend, your husband or your best friend for that matter.

Why not allow him to be more human, and not just be a man. Why not give him the space and security, whatever role this man plays in your life, to express his feelings, in words. To be able to verbalize what he is feeling. To be express his feelings through his tears and not deride him or cultivating feelings.  Why not give him the space to explore and discover himself. Why not allow them to be whoever they want to be.

That is why I think boys should cry more often, for them to be able to grow into men. To be able to grow into the lives that they are comfortable leading and living.

And that is where I differentiate between boys and men. A man does not shy away from acknowledging the women in his life. He does not fall short of expressing himself regardless of the fact that others might rebuke him as sissy.

A man is well-mannered and understands that tears, just like smiles are ways to let out the humanity in him, to purge himself, to cleanse himself, instead of bottling it up inside. And he understands that tears are not only a medium to express sorrow and remorse, but also joy and happiness. He understands the value of each drop shed, and that is precisely why he does not shy away from crying.¬†He doesn’t quite¬†care what the world thinks of his humanity, but he is secure in his skin and ‘manly parts’ and does not shy away from crying.

Well, that is why I want to see boys cry. Because if boys do not cry, how will they be free from the clutches that we conveniently created for them? How will they escape their baggage of insecurities? How will they stop living in perpetual denial?

Be nice to these boys, will you. They are already suffering a lot, and if they cannot cry, now you can hurl your shoes at me, have your laugh riot and THEN shed a tear or two!

 

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My Matrimonial Advertisement

Namaste Auntyji,

“Pairi paunna! Kaisi hai aap?¬†Nahi Aunty abhi shaadi ka koi vichaar nahi hai. I know I will not get the option of ‘pick and choose’ for the groom as I grow older. But thank you so much for your unconditional love and concern. Nahi Auntyji, mein inni soni kudi hone pe bhi apne liye koi ladka nahi dhoondh paayi. Please maafi de do?”

If you are an Indian girl aged in her 20s, you cannot deny that you have at the least not been hounded once by one of the Auntyjis who harrow you with the question of marriage and how we haven’t found one ‘suitable boy’ yet. You have, haven’t you? Well, first of all, all you Auntyjis out there, thank you so much for all of your love and concern for my marriage but I would highly appreciate it that you concentrate your energy on yourself rather than rubbing your bored nose in my personal business. It is just plain nosy. I am more than happy for you that your daughter recently got engaged to her boyfriend of 10 years, but that does ¬†not necessarily mean that the hourglass has turned and time is ticking for me to get married. Thank you very much.

We all have one of these pesky Auntyji who refuse to poke their nose from our personal lives. We have had one throughout our lives. One who compared her children’s marks with ours in school, one who compared which degree we are pursuing in comparison to their own supremely talented kids, then came the comparison qua our pay package and now finally (now because, this is the stage of life I am at, I shall continue the saga ¬†when Auntyji starts poking her nose to force me into pregnancy and so on) of the urgency to have us married. For the life of me, I cannot fathom, whether she considers me a burden on her or my parents, who cannot wait to get rid of me. I know this post sounds like an enraged spinster, very Bridget Jones going home for Christmas-y, but the blunt truth is, I am more than happy with where and who I am right now. And what ticks me off is when I am not remotely involved in your life, what is your concern as to where my life is heading?

Having said that, I am not opposed to marriage, and as the title of the post goes, this is more of a matrimonial advertisement than a rant. So continuing on that course, since I love to write, I thought I would be more expressive on my views on marriage on paper and present a more accurate picture, since the information is first hand and not edited at all.

So here goes…

I am a typical Indian, who has been brought up with Indian Sanskaar, but I think my parents defaulted a little in bringing me up as a human being in comparison to a girl. They should have taught me the difference between the two. And then they went on to commit the monumental sin of sending me to a boarding school where I learnt to be absolutely independent and a free-thinker. *tch tch*. Okay, I think, the rant is still continuing, so I shall try and behave myself a little.

The fact of the matter is, I am an extremely traditional girl when it comes to marriage. It is an absolutely sacrosanct relationship for me. And it is a life long decision,¬†so I cannot fathom the urgency with which the parents or the Auntyjis of our lives want us to be married? I need to figure myself out first. I am¬†starting a brand new chapter of my life where I want to at least finish a page (read: a year or two into my career) or two before I start the next chapter. So what is the rush? Is it the biology? That my time to reproduce is inversely proportionate to my physical growth in age? Or the fact I shall physically age? Or that I might have ‘needs’ which might taint my character? Or frankly, that I might have the option to ‘cherry pick’ the person I have to spend the rest of my life with?

Damn it! This nowhere comes close to a matrimonial advertisement.

Okay, let me try again.

“Dear Future Husband!

I hope I find you, if I am ever so lucky to find a person, with whom I am willing to spend the rest of my life, and you in return, are willing  to endure the absolute madness that I am, I think I would consider myself truly blessed.

I am very tempted to say that you would add meaning to my life, but I have been enormously blessed with a family and a handful of friends who have given my life meaning. (We just found each other, remember?!) .¬†If we are getting married, then you know it is founded on love. I do not know WHEN we will meet each other, but you know by now, I was never the one to compromise. Love and respect are the only two grounds that this relationship holds any ¬†value for me. (For you too, right!). I love you like mad, but you already know that. Because you know that’s how I love. You know I beam when you look at me and that I write letters to you in hand and shall continue to do so, because we shall cherish and nurture our love and it shall only grow with each passing day. Please know, even if¬†we fight, and maybe for days or months together, our love shall be strong enough to withstand any kind of storm. You know I know how to cook, but I rarely do, but if you really want me to, I shall cook for you, mind you, occasionally.

Please know,¬†till last year, I used to walk around with a checklist, searching for a man to fit that checklist. But today, I have grown a little wiser, and I do not love you for the money you have in your bank, the car you drive, the house you have or the way you look. If you have all of this, great, this is all the cherry and the icing of the cake. The actual cake is you and your heart and your soul. And the fact, that you love me a little more than I love you. Because that is all that I want from you. If you do not have any of it, we shall build a life together, and manage with whatever we have till the time we don’t have it. The fun is not in reaching the destination, but travelling the journey TOGETHER, side by side with each other. Please know, I do not want you to hide your struggles from me. I know you are a man and shall be tempted to be protective most of the times,but please know, we are in this together. There shall ¬†be days when you are crumbling, please allow me to be a pillar of strength to you, because I know, when I fail and fall, you will do the same for me. We are partners in this, no?

Please know, I want you to be my home. And that I want me to be your home. A home is a place where you feel the safest. I want our hugs to be like that. And that we should hug each day, even if we are fighting or not talking to each other or not even in the same city! Home is where one feels most at peace. Let us build our own little haven over the years? Say what?

Please know, the only other thing I want from you is that you love my parents as your own. I just have a father and an older left for me. And I would you to at the least value them. And I shall do the same. I shall love your parents as my own. Your family is my family. As I was wisely told in my teens, marriage is not a union of two individuals, it is a marriage of two families. Can we please continue mutual love for each others’ families and take care of them as our own?

I think I have yapped enough, but one last thing, I want us to have kids. And not just human kids, I want pets. Preferably dogs. And our kids, both human and animal, shall be our legacy that we leave back.

Oh wait! I have some more. I feel utter joy while typing this. Because albeit ¬†I have not met you yet, I know I am not willing to settle for anything less than you and if I do find you, I shall marry you in a jiffy, because I know I have found the ONLY person I was ever looking for. ūüôā Hopefully, the same applies to me.

I shall support you in building your career and I hope you will support me in building mine. I know we shall have to make several compromises along the way, for ourselves, our careers, our kids, but let’s not the circumstances of life, affect our love for each other in any way. Because, relationships are much more valuable to me than an x number of notes lying in my bank. No, ¬†I do not mean that my career isn’t important to me, but let’s build each other along the way as individuals in tandem with building ourselves as a unit, because we have been brought up to be independent individuals, and let’s face it, we shall be sick of spending TOO much time together and we need to retain our individuality as well. No? Can we give each other that much space? Please?

I think, I shall end it here, by saying, you know, I haven’t been privy to any happy marriage and that I am afraid even though I haven’t even found you yet. Please allay my fears. I am giving you a precious part of me, my heart. It can be easily broken. Please don’t break it when I am old and wrinkly or when I throw an unnecessary tantrum. Through all of the ups and downs in life, all the celebratory moments and the upheavals, let just two things remain constant: our love and us.

Forever yours,

Complete Madness,

Your Wife”

 

I had no other way to pen down my Matrimonial Advertisement than to be absolutely honest about my opinion on it. I apologize to all my lovely Auntyjis and would like to tell them all that I am extremely traditional about the concept of marriage and value it is an absolutely pious and sacrosanct relationship, precisely why I am unwilling to ‘settle’ for someone who I do not believe to be worthy of a partner and haven’t found one yet. Hopefully, I will find someone like that, but till then, now you know who am I looking for, and who I am not. Kindly, share my matrimonial advertisement if you are keen on finding me a suitable ‘candidate’.

 

 

 

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