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The Walls We Build

Recently on my way back home from college my friend and I had an enlightening tete-a-tete.Enlightening for me to be precise.Because Her and I have been friends for almost 8 months now,and I usually let my guard down once I befriend people,but      after the conversation she commented,”I never thought you would be such an emotionally enlightening person,I always took you as an incessant shopper whose life revolved around malls,parties and socializing.I always thought you were the bully and not the bullied”(and basically deriving an assumption that I am a shallow b*tch).

That got me thinking…(its bound to)…and I am unabashedly sharing this incident with you is BECAUSE:

I have felt the pain of a heart break.And NO,it is NOT just a beau who can break your heart.For the kid who waited and peeped from behind the curtains of the stage to see if her/his parents have arrived,only to be dismayed to have noticed the seats vacant the entire time of the recital.Or the sibling who refused to solve your problem and bullied you,or the BFF who promised she/he would be there in your times of need and did not.I might be missing out a whole bunch of instances but you get the gist.Hearts are broken when expectations are not met,as simple as that.And please don’t illusion yourself that yours never did.(If it really NEVER happened,you really NEVER experienced life!)

Truth be told,mine has been broken on various occasions by a host of people.But let’s not get into the details of that.

My point is,which passing heart break,we toughen up.With each passing heart break,we build a level of wall,ordaining our Heart to

1.toughen up,

2.not cut slack easily,

3.if done,be wary,and

4.DO NOT let its guard down easy.

With each heart break,the invisible level increases and we,our true selves are guarded by these hypothetical walls,gradually which start to govern our lives.And then make-belief,befooling others,unconsciously tricking others into believing and we ACTUALLY are that tough and that our system is completely cleansed of vulnerability.Hardly recognizing the brutal fact that our true selves are lost behind these ‘tough’,’unbreakable’ walls.

With all this accumulated pain,we refuse to give our Heart away,we refuse to feel love,because it comes a pricey cost of pain.We refuse to acknowledge what could have been a meaningful relationship just because we could not put our guard down,we did not want to be hurt again.We did not want to risk it again…

And I won’t lie,I am always on guard,these walls have penetrated so deep within my system that most of the times I prefer to let go than hold onto the people who truly matter.Why risk it?Is it worth it?

Frankly,sometimes it wouldn’t be worth the risk.But are we willing to let Pain get the best of us?Should be start assuming that there is ONLY pain,and NO love?

Yes,chances are our Hearts will be broken,expectations shattered,OFTEN,that does not mean we will not experience  kindness,generosity,selflessness and Love.

We cannot let our Heart be spiraled into a trance of hopelessness.

It is easier said than done,I agree,but isn’t Love worth the risk?

 

To me,Love is everything.And totally worth it all.

 

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You Are Immortal

I’m a pathetically lazy writer,I never recheck my posts for grammatical errors,however I make it a point to not over-do it with emotions.This one however is straight from the heart.

In these twenty two years of my life span,I have seen my parents grow,I have seen them witness set backs and rise from the ashes,victorious.They have always inspired me to be a better person,to grow up to be a person just like them.Since my childhood days,I have always envied my gorgeous mother,no,I am not saying this,because she is MY mother,she is by far one of the prettiest woman I know,getting back to the point,I have seen her wake up at 5 in the morning to tend to the House chores,get me ready for school,take care of my older siblings,prepare breakfast and lunch,drop me off at the bus stop,come back home,get ready for work and in order to save that last penny instead of taking the car,hop on the public bus.Then come back in the evening,prepare dinner,help me with Home Work,sit and chat my siblings,spend some quality time with my Father,serve dinner,and then finally fall asleep.I have seen her repeating the said pattern for years with just one day off,and that too dedicated to all of us.

There have been days,when I have envied her for the independent woman that she was,for the undying spirit to live to life to the fullest,and there have also been days when I have loathed her for not wholly being there for me.

And then Boarding School happened,and I got to see my Mumma on even lesser occasions.

It was probably then or before that that our relationship started to deteriorate.When I needed her I assumed she deliberately was not there.When I cried under the pillow craving her gentle caress reinstating that feeling of emotional security I was deprived of in the lonesome dormitory,she was not there.

Eventually,I got a hang of things,and I enjoyed being by myself and my friends.And those occasional visits were more than enough of quality time I needed with her.Vacations at home meant spending time with my siblings and hanging out with them or their respective boyfriend/girlfriend.Spending time with Mumma and Papa would only compromise of the last few sulking days when I was over-showered with pampering.

And then,I came back for College.Like any other kid,being 18 meant chilling with friends,carpe diem and partying.With so much as caring,if my Mumma finally has time to breath and spend time with me.That obviously took a back seat,if it is not already obvious.

And then after College,the Gap-before-Law School happened,when in these twenty two years of my short life I started bonding with my mother.When she started connecting with me like a grown woman.It is in my twenty first year did I finally fall in love with her,and realized I needed her,I craved her love.It is then I realized that all this time,I had been acting selfish.

She sacrificed her life to give me a good one,and now when she finally had that time,I was not there.

She opened her heart to me in this one year,she let me to her World of sorrows and sufferings.All this time,when I had thought SHE was the one acting SELFISH,I found out,she was just trying to protect me out of her SELFLESS love for me.

And when I finally realized that life without her is an impossibility,God decided to take her away from me,from my life.

Yes,for all my friends who do not know,I did not have the courage to say it out loud,I still don’t.She passed away two weeks ago,on August 8,2011.

I was there with her when her soul left her body,and yes,I do believe in reincarnation and I KNOW that she will come back in my life in some other form,but the fact remains that my mother is gone.Forever.

I do not have anyone to save me from the rain anymore,I do not have anyone to look out for me,without me even noticing.I have lost my foundation for my strength.I do not have my Mumma anymore.

They say,she is still here,looking out for me,but I don’t want her spirit,I need her wholly,in physical form,to be there for me,to see in my happiest moments,to lend me a shoulder in my sad ones.To see me get married one day and then play with her grandchildren eventually.I need her to explain to me about this baffling concept of SELFLESS LOVE.I need her to be there,for no reason at all.

They say,I am strong.I need to move on with life.But what sort of life would that be,one without the Sun,the Air,the Shelter?How do they expect me to move on from the bundle of regrets I live with?How do they suddenly expect me to grow up,mature and take responsibilities my shoulders are incapable of handling?How do they expect me to live without my Mumma?

I have so much to say,however,I shall continue this tomorrow,tears are too mean to let me continue this,right now,here,I just to begin by saying,that My Mumma is immortal,she is in my heart,and my soul,and she can never be forgotten.And even though I could give away all of my life for just one minute with her,where I could tell her I love her,and that she means the world to me,the lesson I learnt was such,that do not give heed to egos and consequences,if you have something in your heart,just say it,trust me,leading a life with regret is not one of the happiest ones.

I love My Mumma,I hope she knows this,I do sincerely hope,she has left her unceasing courage in me.

You are with me,you are in me,forever and beyond.

I love you Mumma.

I am sorry,I cannot love you unconditionally,like you loved me.I love you forever nonetheless.

 

 

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