Hello My Lovelies,
Thank y’ll yet again for waiting for me to write.This treacherous web of writer’s block is a massive pain.I am majorly uninspired.And to top it off I am actually stuck in a Limbo,alright,that’s an exaggeration but am stuck in an enormously annoying frustrated state of sorts.Ergo,I decided I shall bare my mind and soul,and cleanse my system.
So here it goes…
It has been almost eight months that my Mom left me,and every day seems incomplete without her,without her voice,without her caress,without her hugs,without her love,and I need her for all these reasons and just ’cause.
It isn’t as if I haven’t lost it,I have endured the pain as well made others suffer in the course of my pain.Yet,no day seems different from the other.It is as if the purpose of each day failed,as if the day was not fully lived.
I wrote and crossed off plenty a things on my supposed Bucket List,and still it did not seem enough.My family and friends pacified to their maximum potential and more,and not that I do not appreciate it,and not that they have given up on me,I just can’t seem to take the step forward.
And after that it seemed as if the world came crashing down and quashed my soul.Well,at least it burdened me,and left me no choice but to shoulder responsibilities that I never dreamed I would have to carry the burden of.
Her passing on was the first domino and rest simply started falling after that,for all those who know me personally,they know what I am talking about,for all those who don’t,a series of bad phase followed,let’s leave it at that.
Every one told me that I am strong and shall become stronger after THIS,let’s just say,pain does not equate strength.
After many unfavorable months,I sat down one day,and talked to myself at length.Told myself how Board exams used to be the biggest threat to our lives,the exams passed and it seems like an insignificant instance of the past,how getting over boy friends used to consume years,bucketful of tears and kilograms of chocolates,but we learnt how to deal with the pain,how friends betraying you seemed the most hurtful thing to have happened to us,but we learnt to make friends sensibly,didn’t we?How family troubles tore up our guts,but we learnt to accept them and the circumstances,didn’t we?”Sweetheart!you are the brink of your career,and your life has just begun,I agree it is easier said than done,and you cannot move past your Mom,EVER,you can learn to accept,can’t you?”-I told myself.And truth be told I have such self-help pacifying conversations with myself quite often,because it is not easy,not at all.
Each day,seems like an opportunity to take another baby step.And well,not every day do I religiously do it,but I try.
I admit,I am still caught in my limbo of chaos and pain,but aren’t we all?We all have our predicaments that we have in life we want to get rid of,erase them as if they never occurred and we were never scarred by them,AT ALL.As if all that we have lived hitherto is a fairy tale and that is how life should proceed hereon as well.Paradise was only for Adam and Eve,and if you haven’t noticed,fairy tales usually involve predicaments which are overcome for ‘happily ever afters’ to persist.
So,that leaves me wound up in my own self-help/pacifying/glass-half full limbo.(Oh!the complexities my retarded brain entangles itself into!?!).Every post since,has been about moving on,but moving on from what?What I have been trying to do,is make excuses for myself,to time take over and eventually aid me in incorporating this morbid fact of life I have been evading,I want to move on I say,leave my Mom and her memories behind and carry on with my life as if nothing ever happened.Well,I’m wrong,I ought to move forward,with the burden of incorporating this fact in my life.Yes!she always has been and always will an integral part of me,this particular incident leaving me with the BIGGEST lesson of my life I have learnt yet,but life does go on,and I lag behind miles from where I should be,miles from where she wants to see me.
And for all of you,who are evading life’s predicament,shunning them out of your brains as if they did not exist in the first place,take the first step,ACCEPT your life isn’t all hunky-dory,once you accept it,the rest becomes relatively easier to endure.
This past year has changed me,something I cannot bind in words,and each day is struggle,each day is incomplete…but going back is neither an option nor a possibility,thus it only seems sensible to acquire the skills to pick myself up.
So,do you intend to do it as well?
What you ask?
Accept yourself as you are.