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Aren’t We All Afraid?

While walking my dog today I suddenly had an epiphany,and through the half-hour walk in the freezing cold I contemplated over it.

Over,the past few months,I have conjured up many perspectives to my Mom’s demise.Most of which still lay close behind the casket of my brain.Usually,when I’m alone,I think of her,the good and the bad,the day she left me,and the procession.The chill in my spine then was not because of the hollow wind.

And a new perspective was thus added to the existing list.

I’m an agnostic.

No,I haven’t lost my faith in God,I sincerely believe in His existence and his miracles.I have simply lost faith in myself.Lost faith in my abilities.

As a kid I wanted to be an astronaut,a cook,a fashion designer,an artist,a driver,an industrialist,Salman Khan’s daughter(because HOW cool would it be to tell all your friends you’re Salman Khan’s daughter!),a teacher and a host of other professions I can’t recall.But as I grew up,the spirit to achieve it all started to diminish.My goals became more ‘pragmatic’ and ones which conformed to the ‘real’ world:

1.Complete School,

2.Graduate,

3.Get a job.

My ability to take risks was inhibited by the practicality of life.And then suddenly,just like that,one fine day,without a prior notice,my Mom left me.And with it I realized I can’t procrastinate and put off what I have on my mind for tomorrow.It seems so simple when put in words like this.But it takes a hell lot of courage to endure such risks.I know it,’cause when I did manage to take the plunge,my hopes were left shattered and went back into my shell again.

I decided that it suits my convenience to NOT feel anything than risk your heart suffer a coup de grace.

Isn’t it true that all of us ‘Adults’ are at a higher chance to succumbing to the vicious web of ‘reality’ and ‘reasonability’?At the safe option of not having a chance to lose,we follow the footsteps that have been formed for us.Limiting our dreams and slyly adjudging it under the title of ‘maturity.’

I’m not so sure about you,but I truly am afraid.What if I leave Law to pursue a career in writing?What if I fall in love and have my heart broken again?What if I learn to trust people and start depending on them,and they leave me?What if I end up getting hurt?The only factor common to all these questions is my ability to voluntarily put myself in a position where I am at the risk of feeling vulnerable at the thought of Risking and Losing.I sure am afraid,I ‘calculate’ my risks.Over the years,I have deliberately quashed many dreams,laughing at them as labelling them ‘juvenile’.But is it true?Was it my kiddish behavior,or my loss of faith,in me?I still have many such resolved questions which I pondered over while walking my dog.

So,I got down to thinking,at the inception of ‘Apple’ couldn’t it have been a possibility that Steve Jobs was mocked?Was Newton’s discovery of Gravity easily accepted?Did Gandhi succumb to the practice of violence?These gentlemen have revolutionized the World in many ways.And yet,if we come down to it,they were nothing but ordinary human beings like us.

The only difference between ‘them’ and ‘me’ lies in the fact that they strove for they believed in.They did not really fear Loss,they accepted Loss as a challenge.Like Edison once said,”I have not failed,I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Being brave does not imply having the courage to face insurmountable obstacle without necessarily caring about the consequences,it implies that even with the fear,we are willing to take the risk,because we truly believe,that this is worth fighting for.

Like I said I am an agnostic,I have quashed many of my dreams in order to ‘keep it real’.With the passage of time,and growth in age,I might end up succumbing to reality and carefully whisk my ‘childish’ dreams under the rug,but the lesson my Mum left me with is,or the one that I deduced that this Life is worth fighting for,and I may not necessarily become immortal and be remembered for years to come for a Great Deed,I just sincerely wish I make an impact on at least a handful of people.

I may not become all those things I once dreamt as a child,but I sure as Hell am not giving up on striving to be a Good Human Being,a Good Daughter,a Good Sister,a Good Friend and maybe a Good Lover.For,yes,I am at the risk of feeling vulnerable,consequently getting hurt,but in this GINORMIC World of ‘Me’,I forgot,that so are they.Those dreams and aspirations are meaningless without these handful of people to share the Glory with.They are the ones who make the ride worthwhile.Isn’t it?

 

 

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R.I.P. Steve Jobs

With ineffable contrition my fingers are pressing the smooth LED-lit keys of the fancy Macbook Pro to pen an entry for the Genius behind the said technology.

Being an ardent fan of the Apple Franchise,recollecting my first Apple product,it simply brings back fond memories from School Days.What is the bulky,monotoned Classic iPod 30 GB today,was the swankiest ‘MP3 Player back.And my bad,it was a dastard sin to call an iPod an Mp3 player,or even dastardly a sin was committed when someone called the latter an ‘iPod’.

It was “too cool” to own an iPod with its patent half-bitten Apple on its back.Yes,I admit I derived pleasure out of showing off my swanky iPod,and its oh-so-cool technology,but more than just the surface superficial show off,I suppose,the iPod has been like a friend,it has cheered me up with the Shuffle when I was low,it has been my sole companion in my many futile attempts to start exercising,it has been there.ALWAYS.And yet,with time,I replaced my Dear Friend,with newer versions of the iPod.

Yes,I am selfish.TOO selfish.

But more than simply the ‘iPod’,I believe I have always been awe-struck by the Genius who had the capability to contrive such brilliant technology.I suppose I have Googled him with every Apple product I purchased,read his story a zillion times,taken inspiration from him another more zillion times,but yesterday,when my Internet Browser said “Steve Jobs,1955-2011”,I could not hold back my tears.Legends like him shape the Present,they mould the Future,legends like him are the Heroes I had imagined had the capacity to fight mortality.

When I read,that he is no more,the moment suddenly flashed back to the one when the Doctor had come out of the “Emergency Ward” on August 8,2011 to inform me that my mother is no more.Words are so easily defined,you just manipulate them to frame meaningless sentences,but words do not hold the power over the whirlpool of emotions brewing inside us.No word is capable of filling the void that My Mother has left.So,when I found out about that the Hero of our Generation,the one who shaped our Generation (figuratively of course) is no more,I succumbed to misery again.

I felt the pain,his family,miles apart,people I never have,and perhaps never will,must be feeling.Sometimes,I wish I could be a kid again,where my mother would tuck me at night,and at such occurrences simply lie,that He will come back,and the naive me would believe it.

Steve Jobs,is a Legend.

From the iPod to the Mac,from the iPhone to the iPad,he is the reason the iGeneration came into existence.

An earnest salute.

Yes,mortality may have trounced his flesh,but Legends like him live on,with us,in us.

They are the Makers of History,living on forever in Her Chapters.

Like,I said,I am TOO selfish,an ode to Steve Jobs became another cry about ME.But like him,my mother shall always live on,in my heart.Yes!they say,that I am tormenting her soul by wallowing in misery and crying each day,but some day,not today,some day,I shall learn to live with Reality in peace.Till then,pray for me?

 

 

 

 

 

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