While walking my dog today I suddenly had an epiphany,and through the half-hour walk in the freezing cold I contemplated over it.
Over,the past few months,I have conjured up many perspectives to my Mom’s demise.Most of which still lay close behind the casket of my brain.Usually,when I’m alone,I think of her,the good and the bad,the day she left me,and the procession.The chill in my spine then was not because of the hollow wind.
And a new perspective was thus added to the existing list.
I’m an agnostic.
No,I haven’t lost my faith in God,I sincerely believe in His existence and his miracles.I have simply lost faith in myself.Lost faith in my abilities.
As a kid I wanted to be an astronaut,a cook,a fashion designer,an artist,a driver,an industrialist,Salman Khan’s daughter(because HOW cool would it be to tell all your friends you’re Salman Khan’s daughter!),a teacher and a host of other professions I can’t recall.But as I grew up,the spirit to achieve it all started to diminish.My goals became more ‘pragmatic’ and ones which conformed to the ‘real’ world:
3.Get a job.
My ability to take risks was inhibited by the practicality of life.And then suddenly,just like that,one fine day,without a prior notice,my Mom left me.And with it I realized I can’t procrastinate and put off what I have on my mind for tomorrow.It seems so simple when put in words like this.But it takes a hell lot of courage to endure such risks.I know it,’cause when I did manage to take the plunge,my hopes were left shattered and went back into my shell again.
I decided that it suits my convenience to NOT feel anything than risk your heart suffer a coup de grace.
Isn’t it true that all of us ‘Adults’ are at a higher chance to succumbing to the vicious web of ‘reality’ and ‘reasonability’?At the safe option of not having a chance to lose,we follow the footsteps that have been formed for us.Limiting our dreams and slyly adjudging it under the title of ‘maturity.’
I’m not so sure about you,but I truly am afraid.What if I leave Law to pursue a career in writing?What if I fall in love and have my heart broken again?What if I learn to trust people and start depending on them,and they leave me?What if I end up getting hurt?The only factor common to all these questions is my ability to voluntarily put myself in a position where I am at the risk of feeling vulnerable at the thought of Risking and Losing.I sure am afraid,I ‘calculate’ my risks.Over the years,I have deliberately quashed many dreams,laughing at them as labelling them ‘juvenile’.But is it true?Was it my kiddish behavior,or my loss of faith,in me?I still have many such resolved questions which I pondered over while walking my dog.
So,I got down to thinking,at the inception of ‘Apple’ couldn’t it have been a possibility that Steve Jobs was mocked?Was Newton’s discovery of Gravity easily accepted?Did Gandhi succumb to the practice of violence?These gentlemen have revolutionized the World in many ways.And yet,if we come down to it,they were nothing but ordinary human beings like us.
The only difference between ‘them’ and ‘me’ lies in the fact that they strove for they believed in.They did not really fear Loss,they accepted Loss as a challenge.Like Edison once said,”I have not failed,I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
Being brave does not imply having the courage to face insurmountable obstacle without necessarily caring about the consequences,it implies that even with the fear,we are willing to take the risk,because we truly believe,that this is worth fighting for.
Like I said I am an agnostic,I have quashed many of my dreams in order to ‘keep it real’.With the passage of time,and growth in age,I might end up succumbing to reality and carefully whisk my ‘childish’ dreams under the rug,but the lesson my Mum left me with is,or the one that I deduced that this Life is worth fighting for,and I may not necessarily become immortal and be remembered for years to come for a Great Deed,I just sincerely wish I make an impact on at least a handful of people.
I may not become all those things I once dreamt as a child,but I sure as Hell am not giving up on striving to be a Good Human Being,a Good Daughter,a Good Sister,a Good Friend and maybe a Good Lover.For,yes,I am at the risk of feeling vulnerable,consequently getting hurt,but in this GINORMIC World of ‘Me’,I forgot,that so are they.Those dreams and aspirations are meaningless without these handful of people to share the Glory with.They are the ones who make the ride worthwhile.Isn’t it?